Your Favourite One-Liner Jokes?

I stood in my garden early yesterday morning wondering where the sun had gone

Then it dawned on me.

It was very cold at University studies this morning, only one degree.

Spent most of the day in the hospital lift as i was told to keep my foot elevated …

I was in London today and this fella stops and asks me: "Excuse me mate, how do I get to Paddington?"

I said: "Steal his marmalade sandwiches, that should work."

Ever day I take my pet cow for a walk in the vineyard. Actually, I heard it through the grapevine.

I am fed up with people moaning about electric cars.i have a Ferrari and a Porschre,they are cheap to run and service.

There is only one problem,when you push them very hard through corners they tend to spin off and get stuck underneath the settee

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving - unless you want to do it twice.....

The Germans have started making hotdog sausages from seagull meat. They've taken a tern for the wurst.

My Family motto - "Never put off 'till tomorrow what you can put off 'till someone else does it".

I’m selling my collection of tennis racquets. First come first served

I had to give up my job playing the Triangle in a local Reggae Band.

It was just one ting after another.

To be fair, Henry VIII's wives did approach him a bit disrespectfully. His second wife used to just amble in.

So I asked the missus what she wanted for her birthday, she said, A divorce! I said Oh! I didn't want to spend that much !

Did you know that Owls can turn there heads up to 360 degrees? That is even hottest than my oven gets, wow lol

My friend asked for a coat made from animal skin, I got them a donkey jacket

My wife is learning to play the harp. She's a plucky girl.

Today I started my new job at the local bakery, piece of cake.

Quit being the Circus's Contortionist, as fed up with bending over backwards to please people day in and day out!

My wife has left me, due to my obsession with jigsaws.

Who’s going to help me pick up the pieces?

Went to the doctors??, he said "hi Phil, not seen you for ages"?, I said" i know, I've been ill

Del Boy says to Rodney, "OK Rodders, we're going to learn how to make hats. This time next year we'll be milliners!"

Couldn't decide whether to get duck eggs or hens, I thought well it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other

Tom Hanks flies into the UK to make a new film and to watch his beloved Aston Villa .

At the end of the game he looks exhausted and he heads to his hotel and hits the pillow . On the subject of the movie he is doing Sleepless in Solihull .

I tickled my pet pig under his ear. That’s a real pork scratching…

I was asked why I wanted my Uncle Mick to be with me if I was stranded on a desert island, I said "'Cos he's got a boat!"

Not saying my dog's clever, but I shouted "Heel!" and he took my shoes to Timpsons.

My uncle in the army has survived mustard gas and pepper spray attacks. He's a seasoned veteran

I always make sure to say "mucho" around my Spanish friends.

It means a lot to them.

I woke up in the night to the sound of trumpeting downstairs.

We'd got buglers.

I said to my wife, "remember when we were walking in the forest and suddenly got separated", she replied "sorry you've lost me".

When we christened our daughter, the vicar had a terrible cold but we’ve grown to love the name Natasha

A security alarm shop had a sign up on the door saying"Closed due to recent burglary"

Our Librarian died yesterday, he was a lovely guy so all us kids went down and held a minutes Noise!

Jokes about oil are accepted on here, as long as they're not crude.

I was in a band called 'been there, done that', you've probably got one of our T shirts

I was in a band called 'been there, done that', you've probably got one of our T shirts

I can't believe I got dropped from my local scrabble team today. Words fail me.

I went into a record shop & said 'have you got anything by the doors' and the assistant said 'a bucket of sand & 2 fire blankets'

So I said to the shop assistant, "Can I have a pair of tights for my wife, please"

She said " Sheer?"

I said " No she's at home ".

My grandmother knitted me a pair of mittens. She asked me if they fitted. I said yes, like a glove.

I am currently stuck at an auction, bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor.

I'm in it for the long hall.

I was once invited to go and watch U2 perform on a rooftop, though I refused because it would give me real bad vertigo

People said I would never get over my Phil Collins obsession.

Take a look at me now.

Gandalf lost his job as an exam marker for the Mordor Exam Board as every paper came back with the same comment , None shall pass.

Breaking news a tanker of milk, has crashed into central reservation and spilled its contents on the M25.

Police are asking drivers not to cry ...

We have just been spring cleaning the kitchen and threw out some 10 year old OXO cubes . In such situations it's important to take stock.

I've just been told my acting career is over, well, that wasn't in the script.

I think I've used my mobile phone too much. - Just double tapped some text in a book expecting it ro enlarge!

I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from gardens...

I was raking it in

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi