Your Favourite One-Liner Jokes?

Did you see my last joke about a visit to the chiropractor.

It was about a weak back.

A police man knocked on my door this morning saying he was looking for a burglar with one eye I'm sure if he looked with 2 eyes he'd find him quicker

U2 as a 3 piece just doesn’t work.

They’ve lost their edge

I was in Waitrose on the island of Guernsey the other day and I asked a staff member: "Can you tell me where the potatoes are please?"

She said: "On the next aisle" ..

So I nipped over to Jersey.

I cooked a Sunday Roast for Lionel Richie today.

He asked once, twice, three times for gravy.

Went to see the doctor about my blocked ear.

"Which ear is it?" he asked.

"2024." I replied.

The new Premier League Dutch football coach Arne Slot should easily fit into his new club?

Some aeroplane pilots say it can be difficult flying into the Isle of Madeira, others say it's a piece of cake.

I need to find a quicker way to the barbers. A short cut is in order…

I work with two sound engineers, a Polish one and Czech one two Czech one two!

I gave up on the pyromaniacs dating agency, I couldn’t find a match.

This fella just told me he wants to identify as a beach.

I said: "Are you shore?"

I always take my pet pig on trips overseas. He’s a globe trotter…

I used to go out with a girl called Lindsey Doyle. She smelt like a cricket bat.

Hey Dad xx

There a Beetle crawling across my Ceiling X

Is It Paul or Ringo x

HELP!

I need somebody

I remember the time I went to the camping museum. But that's past tents!

I’m taking a DIY evening class, it’s a shelve-help group.

Vivaldi was a wonderful footballer but he only did four seasons.

I’ve agreed to teach novices at our local angling club how to bait hooks..I just hope I’m not opening a can of worms.

I was planning to visit a pencil museum but I've heard that it's 2B closed soon.

There is a new dating app for people who share an mutual passion about steam trains, you can swipe left or right on it. It's called Tender

NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They're calling it the Apollo G.

I like dolphins and they seem to like me.

I don't know why.

We just seem to click.

I’m taking a DIY evening class, it’s a shelve-help group.

I'm glad I got sacked from the Vineyard just for eating a few bunches of fruit.

I'm quite grapeful.

I have only just found out, that cows wear bells - because their horns don't work.

A small garden ornament in the form of a bearded man with a pointed hat was left on my front lawn. No return address. It was gnomeless.

Went to my barbers today and asked his his prices. He said £25 for a haircut and £10 for a shave.

I gave him a tenner and said, here, shave my head.

I just failed my English exam. Although my dad wasn't pleased, my grammar was very sympathetic.

Just saw vultures, buzzards and eagles all fighting over some roadkill. What a carrion.

Mr and Mrs Bucket were concerned about the health of their daughter, as everyone thought she was a little pail!

Mr and Mrs Bucket were concerned about the health of their daughter, as everyone thought she was a little pail!

My neighbour just said to me 'I've got some bad news and some good news. The bad news is a helicopter has crashed into your back garden. The good news is it's trimmed your hedges beautifully.

Someone told me a joke about a balaclava.

It went over my head.

I'm gonna treat myself to some ice cream this afternoon, it's a sundae.

I sell double glazing door to door. I have to carry a sample everywhere with me. Which is a real pain

Does anyone know what an occasional table is the rest of the time?

Celebrity fact. Much is known about the great Diana Dors but not so much is known about her sister Erin. Except she never went out much....

A bloke offered me a go on his ice rink for 10 pence

What a cheap skate!

I hate it when i'm singing along to a song on the radio

and the artist gets the lyrics wrong

This fella said to me today: “Are those thick lens glasses you're wearing?”

I said: “No, they're mine”.

I am writing a book about old ales.

I'm on my 4th draft.

My mate’s asked me to do his hair for a Rastafarian party he’s going to later.

I’m dreading it...

My wife is always trying to put me down…

But that's just one of the hazards of being married to a vet.

I stood in my garden early yesterday morning wondering where the sun had gone

Then it dawned on me.

It was very cold at University studies this morning, only one degree.

Spent most of the day in the hospital lift as i was told to keep my foot elevated …

I was in London today and this fella stops and asks me: "Excuse me mate, how do I get to Paddington?"

I said: "Steal his marmalade sandwiches, that should work."

Ever day I take my pet cow for a walk in the vineyard. Actually, I heard it through the grapevine.

I am fed up with people moaning about electric cars.i have a Ferrari and a Porschre,they are cheap to run and service.

There is only one problem,when you push them very hard through corners they tend to spin off and get stuck underneath the settee