Relationship Break Ups

martinlufc5637 yes he definitely blames me he wants to work it out but I don't anymore to much has happened I'm trying to make it easier on him but I guess that's not working

Leannexxx my oldest daughter is going through a similar thing, he keeps phoning and texting her, he blames her too, not the fact he's a bum

martinlufc5637 I wouldn't say my is a bum he's a fantastic dad and would do anything for them just as a couple we don't work

martinlufc5637 best thing she could do is block him on her phone plus any social media connections.

Leannexxx it can be tough to accept it’s over, especially after 14 years, but you aren’t feeling like you want to continue then he has to accept that.

Fatabelly well hopefully it won't happen with us coz all I want is for him to have a relationship with his kids as he's a fantastic dad

Leannexxx that’s good to hear. Good Dads are a rare breed these days.

Hope everything works out for you all. It’s not going to be easy to start with, but as long as you both keep it civil and don’t mess the kids around, all should be well.

All the best luvvy, and good luck.

Fatabelly thanks civil is the only issue at the moment coz he needs to find somewhere to live

Leannexxx well let’s hope it’s somewhere decent and somewhere safe for the kids.

I once knew one bloke who moved into a dirty bedsit shared with another bloke. Not the kind of place that any kids could visit let alone stay over.

Leannexxx sometimes it’s hard to keep it civil especially when he keeps blaming you for the break up. I went through something similar with my ex. He also was an amazing dad but when he realised we weren’t getting back together he tried to blackmail me by saying if he couldn’t have me he didn’t want the kids. That really hurt but what hurt me and the kids more he moved to England where he’d some family (I live in Northern Ireland) and now after 28yrs he wants to move back here. Grandkids are delighted and can’t wait to see more of him but his kids are completely over him. He did stay in contact with them, ringing every wk etc but they only seen him 2 wks out of the yr and just lost respect for him. I’ve always told them how amazing a dad he was but they find that hard when for last 28yrs they haven’t seen any sign of that. Hopefully he’ll get place locally and kids will maintain a good relationship with him. Best bit is my ex phones me everyday and we’ve great friendship

chele44 wow that’s so bad moving so far away. No wonder your kids washed their hands of him.

I know where I’d rather live though between England and Northern Ireland! Northern Ireland is so beautiful and amazing, and would much rather live there than here in England.

chele44 it's not gone that far yet just him keeps saying that I'm gonna make it difficult for him to see he kids I'd never do that and I've told him we could go court if he wants and put in all in writing he's now saying why should I have the kids staying with me why I can't I move out I'm the one who broke up with him and the kids stay with him sorry but that's not happening

Fatabelly oh he won't go to any shared accommodation or take the kids if it's not safe

Leannexxx oooh no it should definitely be him that moves out.

Call me old fashioned but I believe kids should live with their mum in their home. Because it’s not just a house, it’s their home and where they feel safe.

Leannexxx just try to keep staying civil and try not to use kids as a gambling tool between you both. It’s hard for both of you, if he thinks he’s only 1 hard done by. It’s hard for you to keep the balance right, to make sure the kids are ok and also to keep yourself ok. At minute you’re ok with the breakup but when he does move out and you’re doing everything by yourself and the kids start blaming you for not seeing daddy everyday etc. Make sure you look after yourself and have good friends around you

Fatabelly well that's what I think it's gonna get nasty really quick I can feel it

chele44 I've done everything myself for the last 12 years coz he was working and I have told anyone that we have broken up yet coz I don't wanna hear people talking bad about him

Fatabelly ...Northern Ireland IS better than some of England. My partner's brother moved back home to Portadown from where he had lived in Sheffield for most of his life he could leave his car unlocked in a public car park, his Sheffield born niece who moved over had a shed with a freezer full of food in her garden & she told me that no one touched it...x

PaulineRapier I hope so he's now saying why should he have to go

Leannexxx stand by your guns and tell him straight. If it's not working don't give in just to make him happy. Stay strong he'll give up at some point. Think of you and your children. They still have there dad if they need him

PaulineRapier he's now saying he's not leaving his kids ffs

Leannexxx just tell him he’s not leaving the kids, it’s you and him that are splitting up and he can see his kids at anytime. He needs to understand you’re doing what’s best for you all as a family. Tell him you want to stay friends but the relationship as it was is over and you don’t want the kids seeing both of you arguing etc and you are afraid that’s what will happen. Good luck with it all. Let’s hope he realises you’re only doing what is best for you all as a family

chele44 I'm playing him at his own game killing him with kindness and it's working

PaulineRapier This proves my point that both men and women can be awful when it comes to break ups. My ex moved to Australia with new wife leaving me unable keep the home going and forced into selling on advice from solicitor as I was told it would not be viable to take him to court for maintenance etc. There are very rarely winners in these cases but I have heard of women who get the home and shortly after a new man moves in to the home the ex has paid for. In this equality age imagine that situation reversed!

Lynibis oh I don't I know I've played a part in this relationship my issue is that for 14 years he's done nothing but be jealous, possessive accusing me of cheating he hates the fact I go out ( to my dad's) by the way and it just all got to me a month ago me and the kids went to a wedding for my friend it was only small group he was invited too and when I phoned him I was outside on my own till my friends husband and my dad came out but he's got it in his head that I was outside with a man and in all honesty I can't do it anymore there is no trust I've tried for years to get it but it's always been the same I can't live my life like that anymore

Leannexxx that is one of the forms of abuse I believe. Anyone would cave in under that sort of possessiveness. He has had time to amend his behaviour over the years, get counselling or whatever it took if he didn't want to split. He should have learned to keep his mouth shut by now, without incontrovertible proof. If he really wanted to save the relationship he would have done something by now but blaming you is the easy way to excuse his own behaviour.

I just worry that when he goes he may begin to constantly harass you trying to find proof so he can garner sympathy from everyone.

Lynibis well he's already got his mother being funny with me and to be honest I haven't told anyone anything just what I've put on here and even now I've not come to this decision on my own I'm seeing someone in his head but in fact I've never cheated on him or messaged any other man apart from family so if he wants to look he can look but he won't find anything i stayed in the relationship for my kids to be honest because what love was left he lost that just chipping away at me over the years I knew there was red flags but I was already pregnant at that time and I wanted what I had a family together

Leannexxx L, so sorry to hear you are going through this

You seem a very nice person that wears her heart on her sleeve

Not knowing you or your partner i would be reluctant to offer any advice , but would it be worth going to see a relationship counsellor ?

It might not solve the overall problem but sometimes it helps people to realise what is actually happening in their relationship and see if it is repairable, and even if not , it could help defuse the situation before getting out of hand , especially with kids involved

You already have the inlaws interfering , this is normal as people start to take sides and want to defend their own , so to speak

If outsiders see you are making an effort to sort this out in an amicable way , they won't interfere so much , and even if you have made up your mind about the outcome a counsellor will be able to diffuse any anger that comes up

telmel thanks telmel but no I'm done

IonaJones honestly don't know why he's like that he's never cheated on me as I know anyway I'm passing caring to be honest I just want to focus on my kids

Leannexxx yes best thing you can do is put yourself and you’re children first and only you can decide where the next step is for you and the children. But like I said there comes a point enough is enough and no one should feel they should stay together for the sake of it. Good luck Leanne xx

IonaJones you are right. If a split is as amicable as possible so the children aren't deprived of a parent (unless they are abused) they will grow up better grounded than if you stayed together without love.

Fitchet excuse me from what you have said you have no idea what I'm going through by making the decision I have made

Fitchet I really don't want to offend you but as we appear to be roughly the same age I feel I am qualified to reply. Do you believe I should have stayed with a husband who physically, mentally, and verbally abused me and my children? He was the one that left btw for a 21 year old. The story is above and I hope you have read ALL the comments as if you had you may not have made such a rash comment.

All forms of abuse are wrong and why should a youthful choice mean you have to stay in a relationship where one person is totally miserable 24/7. You are one of the lucky couples. You obviously do not abuse your wife and you are both amenable to talking things through. How would you feel if your wife constantly accused you of disloyalty even after 14 years and was not willing to get counselling or help. Do you think that is a fit environment for children? Do you think it was good for children back in the day to live with a downtrodden woman with a brute of a husband?

My sons were timid and frightened of their father but now at age 48 and 50 they are men to be proud of, both have been married for 2 decades or so and still in love, kind, generous and caring to their wives and children, would that have been the case had they grown to manhood with their father? I expect you have made mistakes, I know I have, and talking doesn't always work, especially if one wears a mask until after the wedding!

Fitchet Ive been thinking about it for the last year staying in the relationship for my kids and what bad mistakes have I made? Loving someone so much that you put with everything for years to a point that I think I am doing something wrong

Leannexxx would you say the same if he had knocked me about coz from what your saying I should put up with no matter what

Leannexxx

No one should or has to put up with being knocked about and that is definately not what is being advocated by me, What I am saying is it does not take 14 years to know you have got it wrong and it is obviously a two way thing so why not try a marriage councilor before throwing in the towell.

Fitchet he won't do anything I've asked for years

EmmaWright762 Everything you ask is explained in the comments. I know we all just sometimes answer the main topic but this is a conversation (chat) and it is often helpful to read all the comments as things are explained as the chat progresses.