Does This Resonate with You?
Other
What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten ...with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old woman ...and nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years ....all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
...Not a crabby old woman; look closer ...see ME!!
Extremely powerful.
As I grow older, In my mind I'm still a youngster, but my body likes to remind me that the years are advancing.
When we were sorting through my Dads effects after he died, we turned up some fascinating insights into his life as a young man.
It's hard to imagine that that old man I called Dad was a youngster once upon a time too, and enjoyed doing what most young men enjoyed.
blacklabrador yes, very poignant. That is why I felt compelled to add it. I think younger folk know of course that old people were once young like them, but it isn't always at the forefront of their minds and a gentle reminder does not hurt. Maybe they will remember and be less impatient and more tolerant when an elderly person holds them up, after all they will one day be in the same place.
I forgot to say that there is a male version of this but I don't know where to find it, if anyone can help please add a comment on here. Thanks.
It made me cry. Really powerful. I feel alot of what your saying. But I note you have a marriage, children and grandchildren. What wonderful achievements and wonderful memories you have now because of what you achieved. Be proud of this. I haven't achieved anything in my life never married never had children. I don't have a partner that loves and supports me. He can't stand to sleep in the same bed has me. There's no love. We are stuck living together because we have to. I've learnt alot from this life but sadly I'm too old and tired mentally and physically to put what I've learnt to any use. Maybe in another life I can make use of what I've learnt but until then I keep on waiting dealing with the daily madness called life. But unlike you I don't have any great memories of things I've achieved. As I say be proud of been you.
KAW18 oh my word I feel for you so much. I haven't had a proper partner since about 1986, the father of my two sons. Sadly he was a physical and mental abuser. My sons are the best I could wish for and I have 3 wonderful grandchildren, all achievers, and a great grandchild to be born in a few months.
I am so sorry life hasn't been kind to you but the best advice I could give (you may not want it) is to live life for others now. I don't know how old you are but if you are physically able, join volunteer groups, bake cakes for your neighbours, go for walks and smile and say hello to folk, join an adult education class, I am thinking of doing cake decorating this year.
My passion is history but I am self taught and give occasional talks to age concern, it gives me great pleasure. I also write show reviews for a local website and get free tickets and a drink in return.
While you are tied to an unloving partner things will be difficult, I had to kick a boyfriend out 13 years ago as I could tell I was not loved, I appreciate you may not be able to for various reasons.
Don't waste the time you have left and please come back to this chat for support and know someone is thinking of you x
Lynibis Thanks for responding and your kind words. I'm 41, 42 later this year. But I feel 141. I can't leave my partner as I'm dependent on him financially and to go out as I have Agoraphobia so don't go anywhere with out someone and even then I don't go far. I've become worse since Covid. I'm trying to find things to do that bring me some enjoyment. I'm doing some painting by numbers. I make cards and colour in adult colouring books. I find this does help me feel ok and has a positive effect on me mentally I feel I'm achieving something.
KAW18 at 41 you are still a spring chicken many women having babies at your age.
I will be very honest with you and say I don't understand your condition but I can understand why a partner would feel frustrated. To be with someone who cannot enjoy a social life, holidays etc must, after a while, cause a huge rift in the relationship, no matter how understanding they seem to be, or not.
I would not be so crass as to offer remedies. Anything I suggest will have been told to you over and over. Can you not take a couple of steps outside your front door for a few days? Then increase to 4? Then 6 etc. After a month you might be able to do 100 yards. It will take supreme effort and willpower but only you can do it. Do it and show him how brave and strong you are and you will see a change in both of you. What is the alternative? Spending the rest of your life inside hiding from life? I am being harsh but I have never responded to soft words and platitudes, but when someone tells it like it is and pushes me I do respond well. So, I say to you, you have 30 years on me.....don't waste them. 
Lynibis thanks for your advice. I am trying to do more. I know what your saying about the effect my condition as on a relationship but I had it before we met so he made the choice to have a relationship with me. We were going on holiday locally which was just a chance for my partner to force into our relationship sleeping in separate beds. I Managed to persuaded him one more time to go but then you had everything with COVID. So haven't been for awhile even though now we could his choice not to go. He suggested we move house to were we use to go on holiday which is by the coast. I thought this was a brilliant idea but now he doesn't want to move. So not everything is my fault although I accept some of it is .I just don't understand his behavior and want him to work with me on making our lives better.
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