Your Favourite One-Liner Jokes?
Other
I unashamedly snuck in a few one liners into this afternoon's deal broadcast:
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
🍽 “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant”
Anyone have a better one-liner they love?
(PS. Pretty sure the above were all from the Edinburgh fringe festival - definitely can't claim credit for them!)
Can be a painful business shopping for fish hooks. I saw one in particular that caught my eye…
I went into a posh pub in a pair of filthy overalls and this snotty barman said to me,
"I'm sorry, you can't come in here dressed like that."
"OK," I replied as I left, "fix your own heating then."
Just discovered a large hole in the road outside my house,I informed the police,they're sending someone round to look into it.ììì
By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left.
I was bored so I swapped all the sweets into different wrappers. My wife isn't amused. She got her snickers in a Twix.
A truck carrying ice cream has shed its load on the M25 motorway this afternoon.
The police have put cones out.
I've just ordered a personal number plate BAA BAA. Should look cool on my black jeep.
Went for a meal yesterday .Ordered everything in French.
Surprised everyone. It was a Chinese restaurant.
A friend of mine asked if I believed in Monogamy.
I said, "Believe in it! I've got a table made of it.
My Wife want's me to leave my new job at the Cake Factory.
She said i'm Mixing with the wrong People
My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
Last night someone stripped the new turf off my front garden. It's so sad, because now all the birds are looking forlorn.
Went to the Farm shop today and said
“Have you got a Capon"...
“I’m a butcher mate not Superman " he replied
My mate is going on again about how his championship winning conker was stolen in 1988. I thought, Not that old chestnut.
On my first day as a detective I was given a case about a stolen egg. I cracked it…
My mate just fainted on to the baggage carousel at the airport.
Thankfully he came around.
I recently moved to Raisin Cottage, on Raisin Lane, in Upper Raisin. Just to let everyone know, this is my current address.
Please don't worry, I'm in hospital. I thought I was eating an onion but it turned out to be a daffodil bulb.
The doctor says I will be out in spring.
Had the worst day ever. Paid a carpenter to build a bed and he’s done a bunk, it’s one thing on top of another.
I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover….heard the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn, thought shall I get up.. no way, he can mow around me.
This morning the delivery man brought a huge roll of bubble wrap. I told him to pop it in the corner. It took him three hours !!!
I'm revising for a practical exam in pest control tomorrow. I'll probably be up all night swatting.
My parents made a lot of sacrifices to get me through University
They were Druids
So what if I don't know what Armageddon means...it's not the end of the world.
Just picked up The Commissioner of the London Fire Brigade and he was telling me how he'd worked his way up the ladder
“My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we’ve started to call her ‘I can’t believe she’s not better’.”
“My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. Which is probably why his submarine sank.”
My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”
“As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it really.”
“Some people say that firefighters deserve more money, but apparently a poll was taken and they all fell through a hole in the floor.”
MartinJarvis Thanks Martin for all jokes didn’t check here just read some keep sharing 
“About a month before my grandfather died, we covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”
To the man on crutches dressed in camouflage who stole my wallet: you can hide but you can’t run.”
“We live in an uncaring society. I was in the park the other day watching an old man feed the birds, and after a while I thought to myself: ‘I wonder how long he’s been dead?'”
“I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number. She looked great going down the stairs.”
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday…
that’s the last time I get in a car with her when she’s late for bingo.
My next door neighbour Ena, is such a happy person. I say "Hi Ena"
and she just laughs and laughs.
Chaos in the fruit section of the supermarket this morning.. they had no apples, oranges, citrus fruits, nothing! It was just Bananas.
Our local knife sharpener wasn't very happy the other day as he had an axe to grind.
I was in the bank earlier this morning and the woman behind the counter started singing 'Downtown, I thought to myself, "what a peculiar clerk.
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