Your Favourite One-Liner Jokes?

I bought a first- aid kit today I thought I’d treat myself

I've just bought a 1920s - 1930s stylish clock with hands like little lizards

it's Art Gecko

I know I have to tread carefully here, but I'm getting very tyred of car jokes.

We've had a clutch of them but now I'm exhausted and it's time to have a brake.

I ordered some pork luncheon meat online, but my order email never came thru! Should've checked my spam folder?

I saw a shoplifter stealing 5 bars of soap, 2 bottles of washing up liquid and 3 boxes of laundry detergent.

He made a clean getaway

A friend of mine said that he wanted to improve his golf.

I suggested that he should go on a course...

I was getting into my car this morning, and this fella says to me: "Can you give me a lift?"

I said: "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

The black eyes peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one

I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"

He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell"..

My uncle has just moved to Arabia to make his fortune as a successful diary farmer. He’s hoping to become their first milk sheikh.

Major announcements.

The World Hide and Seek Champion has been found dead in a wardrobe

“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.”

I opened a bottle of red wine earlier to let it breath, couldn’t hear it breathing so gave it the kiss of life!!

Thought I could make money being run over by a steam engine; but I just ended up flat broke…

I've never owned a dog before. I asked a breeder if he can give me any pointers

We have a new

band called

"The Fishermen"

looking for a new bass player.

A pirate tied me to one of his casks and asked me to join his crew. I couldn't refuse, he had me over a barrel.

I swapped my dad's soap for a steak and put gravy in his shampoo bottle.

He'd always wanted to experience a meteor shower

This chicken said to me: “I can’t find my eggs!”

I said: “You’ve probably mislaid them“.

Visited doctots with stomach pain

The doctor said

“I cant see anything wrong, might be too much drinking”

I said never mind-

I will come back when youre sober

What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge?.. A shock absorber!!!

Last night I made a lamb curry.

But apparently they prefer grass.

I think I'll give reincarnation a try, after all you only live once.

There must have been an incident at the high street ice cream parlour. The area is coned off

Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak feeling very cold, so they lit a fire. The kayak sank. You see you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Thin Lizzy have returned the marker floats to the River Liffey after steeling them 30 years ago!

The bouys are back in town!

Every one in my town wears woollen jumpers that are a size too small...

We’re a very tight knit community.

My mate just rang me and asked..."What do you know about, Shetland Ponies".

I replied..."Very little".

I read a book the other day about the best basement ever built.

Apparently it was a best seller

My neighbour has just asked to borrow my lawnmower.

Being generous, I said yes as long as you don’t take it out of my garden…

They’re making a comedy with a digitised Sid James, set in an airport. It’s called ‘Carry on Luggage’…

Did you see my last joke about a visit to the chiropractor.

It was about a weak back.

A police man knocked on my door this morning saying he was looking for a burglar with one eye I'm sure if he looked with 2 eyes he'd find him quicker

U2 as a 3 piece just doesn’t work.

They’ve lost their edge

I was in Waitrose on the island of Guernsey the other day and I asked a staff member: "Can you tell me where the potatoes are please?"

She said: "On the next aisle" ..

So I nipped over to Jersey.

I cooked a Sunday Roast for Lionel Richie today.

He asked once, twice, three times for gravy.

Went to see the doctor about my blocked ear.

"Which ear is it?" he asked.

"2024." I replied.

The new Premier League Dutch football coach Arne Slot should easily fit into his new club?

Some aeroplane pilots say it can be difficult flying into the Isle of Madeira, others say it's a piece of cake.

I need to find a quicker way to the barbers. A short cut is in order…

I work with two sound engineers, a Polish one and Czech one two Czech one two!

I gave up on the pyromaniacs dating agency, I couldn’t find a match.

This fella just told me he wants to identify as a beach.

I said: "Are you shore?"

I always take my pet pig on trips overseas. He’s a globe trotter…

I used to go out with a girl called Lindsey Doyle. She smelt like a cricket bat.

Hey Dad xx

There a Beetle crawling across my Ceiling X

Is It Paul or Ringo x

HELP!

I need somebody

I remember the time I went to the camping museum. But that's past tents!

I’m taking a DIY evening class, it’s a shelve-help group.

Vivaldi was a wonderful footballer but he only did four seasons.

I’ve agreed to teach novices at our local angling club how to bait hooks..I just hope I’m not opening a can of worms.